I just happened upon it and haven’t read it yet (available from Amazon.co.uk £2.99 Kindle edition only), but I can’t wait, and didn’t want to wait to tell you about it:
When All Else Fails: A Horn Player’s Vade-Mecum [Vede Mecum = handbook or guide] by Siwel T. Niareg (Lewis T. Gerian?). It is hot off the presses: publication date: 30 March 2012. The publisher is listed as Gwerin, which is apparently a business/web design company in Wales.
Here’s the product description:
From an inauspicious start in deepest, darkest Eastern Europe, Senoj Drofnyw has risen to become the most famous French Horn pioneer that nobody has ever heard of. As Founder and Grand Master of the exclusive and highly secretive Senoj Drofnyw School of Virtual Horn Playing, his closely guarded teaching methods and practicing techniques have been highly sought after, and the subject of much rumour and speculation. But now, for the first time, Senoj Drofnyw has granted exclusive access to his most intimate set of personal beliefs, and to the lessons which have been founded upon them. Even if you are not a French Horn player, you will recognise the all-pervasive omnipotence of Drofnyw’s holistic teachings, and their timeless relevance to all aspects of human life. Siwel T. Niareg (deceased)
You can preview excerpts of the book online (which resembles in style the famous Schmutzig Method from days of yore [a tip of the hat to Arthur Goldstein]) with a smidgeon of P.D.Q. Bach, Groucho Marx, and perhaps Steven Wright.
•Learning to play the French horn is akin to learning to ride a bicycle. It is impossible to learn the component parts individually, but given persistence and effort, one will suddenly discover a great capacity to wreak havoc.
•If horn players were to play everything correctly at the first rehearsal, how would anybody come to know how difficult it is?